Today Avi had her 15 month Dr. appointment. It went well, meaning she is well. She really didn’t like the shots. I still hate watching her/helping her get them. Yet the sucker she got immediately after was like salve for her wounds : ) Her screaming quickly turned into the following as soon as she got that lollipop:
She would suck it, drool, yelp, stare meanly and inquisitively at the nurse, suck again, cuddle into me, look behind me to make sure the nurse wasn’t coming again, let out another cry, and suck some more. It was cute and funny.
She is walking more, though still falls alot. She walks rather like a proud zombie, smile on her face, arms out in front. She is more whinny now wanting her own way. Sometimes it seems all she does all day is whine. But really, she also still laughs and smiles all the time. Ironically, today when I would expect her to whine she has pretty much been smiling and laughing non-stop. Its great. All day she has been saying “up” and “uhoh” (along with her own unintelligible language).
Avi is a joy. She fits her name well, “the father’s delight.” Which I take to mean mine too. She just makes life better. Someone told me that once you have a child you can’t ever imagine them not being there. Sometimes I try to imagine life without Avi, and to my surprise I always can. Yet in my mind’s eye there is one major problem of her not existing (speaking as though she never existed, not as if she died as that would include grief, etc…). If I imagine her just not being, its as if the essence of joy disappears. Its like imagining a world with no light or music. A major missing element is gone. Of course I know that other things that have joy and happiness within them would still be here. But with her gone, all joy fades. Its an oppressed imagery in my mind.
I personally think this is a profound insight to who she is. Yet as I consider it, I wonder how much farther it goes….for every person who should exist that doesn’t, is there a major element of joy missing? Like an aborted child? Or any human who dies? Is that what it is like in reality? I feel like maybe in this I have gained a slight glimpse into God’s heart, what He feels about each human He created. Maybe that’s what the Father’s heart really is. What does it mean to be the Father’s delight?