Honest Doubts: Thought 3 (House)
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Religion and Philosophy
I have always seen God work the miraculous or give an understanding. Currently, we just found out that the house we were buying has been taken off the market and foreclosed on by the bank which was selling it. This has side-swiped me. Over a the past month and a half we have gone to a lot of work to buy this house, and the last three or so weeks it has been just shy of for sure that we were going to get it. I began packing; we were just waiting for the bank to sign.
I know I am of the disposition to always get my hopes up; you would think I enjoyed being on an emotional roller-coaster of sorts. Yet, I guess I see it as impossible to suppress my glee, and almost just as impossible to hide my tears (though, I do have some practice with the later). In otherwords, I wear my heart on my sleeve where it is plainly seen; it hopes, loves and breaks with ease. I am aware that this sometimes makes my husband crazy. I know he would prefer to box my heart from pain and lower all expectations so I could never be hurt. Yet, try as he might to protect me, it just doesn’t always happen. Amazingly, in spite the way I am, I have not been crushed. Of course, if I never hoped it I would not be sad at all. But I am sad. I am very sad.
It was not just a house. It was THEE House. Okay, for those who have seen it, I realize, it really wasn’t that “great.” But between the location of it, it being in excellent condition for the scenario, the perfect size with a beautiful backyard, as well as it being the “deal of the century” (as our real estate agent deemed it)…..it was Thee House. I guess what has been hard that is seemed that God’s fingerprints were all over the situation, leading us here. We have prayed and sought God a lot about this particular house. As of right now, neither of us feel at peace about looking at other options. It seems we are going to pursue it until we can’t anymore, running it into the ground. Which in this case means that we might be able to buy it off an auction.
As it has been a depressing and disappointing thing to not get it, it had been making me think a lot about how God has been so alive in my life. Or at least I attribute it to God. I have been ludicrously blessed in my life without reason. It seems only good has ever happened to me. And when it wasn’t good, God helped me understand why it wasn’t, which was for the good (and felt good). So, I guess all I can do for the most part is see everything behind me through a rose-colored lens: I have been blessed amazingly, and seen both supernatural things, as well as impossibly coincidental things happen over and over and over again. Even when life wasn’t perfect I still see it as if it was because God has been in it. Yet, the future isn’t rose-colored. The future has no color. The future is a choice between trusting in the God I believe has made all things good, or not trusting in Him. Of course, considering the track record I have experienced, you would think it would be easy to jump off the cliff and say, sure God, whatever! But, um, no. Though I dance easily emotionally, I still think very very very much. I like to know things and am ceaselessly analyzing my world.
Last year we jumped off a cliff. I knew God was taking us on a journey of trust when it came to our living arrangement. In short, because I believed God was directing us to, we decided to move. We didn’t find a place, had to leave within days after changing our mind to stay, we moved in with friends, other friends moved out of their place and we moved in it. It was great to see how God came through despite all. Yet, the saga still hadn’t ended and I knew it hadn’t. So, we have been in phase two, I guess you could say. So now as we believed God had led the way to this place, the door has been slammed in our faces. Which is, I might say, always a little faith shaking. Not so much in the sense “But God, you said!” (because I don’t know if He really said anything). More so, He hasn’t led us to do anything else which is actually plausible. Buying another house, that is plausible. Buying this house on auction, that is not. And its weird. If it happens, awesome. God will look even cooler, because He did something that seemed impossible and our faith will have grown more, as well as everyone else’s who has been watching (I hope). But, if that is not what happens? And those are the moments I have to trust God for understanding. Did we not hear or recognize God correctly? Or did we really just go through all of this to learn something? To get connected with that one person? It seems more thrilling to say, oh, well, maybe it is because the economy is going to crash in a few months entirely and God is saving us from a bad business deal. Or maybe God is going to lead us to move away from this area shortly. Maybe God wants to give us a better deal or a better place somehow. Those can make sense. I can understand those things. But if the economy doesn’t crash, if God doesn’t move us on, and if we aren’t looking for another place because God hasn’t led us to….then I don’t understand.
And this is where my faith actually has to become faith. I hate the idea of sitting here and not knowing why we aren’t directed to do anything else and not understanding why this, Thee House, was pulled out from beneath us. That makes me nervous. I am afraid I might not ever understand. I am afraid God won’t direct us onwards except to do nothing. That makes me feel stupid because it goes against conventional wisdom to just go back to not looking. Basically, I am afraid that I will start seeing my past not through that rose-colored lens.
In otherwords, I don’t want to be like the majority of the world and not see how God was there. Because that is why I believe in God. I believe because He is and was there. I would venture to say that the billions of people who have been screwed over by life have not seen how God was there. So who am I to cry a river when others are being raped, tortured, murdered, enslaved, are dying from the flu, starvation, don’t have water, medicine, with their family and friends hurting all around them….people who daily have no hope? I can hardly trust God with a house or not. Yet some people I greatly respect are in these situations and still trust God. If I am ever in that place, will I still trust God? I want to so badly. I want to see, at least believe that God is working in this housing thing so that way I can once again say, “yes, God is there.” He has made the past rosy once again, and no matter what goes on in the future and no matter who I meet in the future that also questions God, I can undeniably say once again that God is there. That’s why God wants to look great to us, isn’t it? He wants to be made more famous so that everyone will know that He is worthy of our trust and our frail love.
||Currently watching :
The Phantom of the Opera (Full Screen Edition)
Release date: 03 May, 2005